Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Worry and the Medical System

I got three phone calls from my mom today. Thinking it a little odd, I started to think that she may have possibly found out some information from my Angiogram/MRI/Blood test results. I picked up the last time she called, voicing my suspicion of the anomalous frequency of calls today. To make a long story short the head radiologist in charge of my case has stated that my spine can no longer be considered to be in immediate peril. The malformed arteries and veins in that area are not networked in a way that can cause any harm to my spine at the present time.

While on the one hand I am relieved at this information, on the other hand I am annoyed as hell that I have had to experience an insidious hypochondria for the last 5 months. It started with the head radiologist telling me that I could lose all control over the lower portion of my body due to my cardiovascular abnormality. I have been so vigilant for any signs of problems in that part of my body that I will sometimes imagine falling where I stand, or not being able to get up in the morning, due to my legs becoming useless on the spot.

I'm angry that I have had to endure this stress and hope that in the future doctors will be more careful with their diagnoses, and base them on more information than what happened earlier on this year with me.

Anyway, I'm off to continue living.

Peevedly,

- Inkhorn

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Inspiration

I was walking through the lobby of my residence building at York, when I passed by a girl, with whom I am acquainted, who seemed to be overjoyed at something. When we made I contact she exclaimed, "I'm so happy! Do you know why?" Thinking she had just won some large sum of money, I offered up that exact possibility. To my surprise, her reply was, "I'm giving away everything that I own!!"

What a contrast! The first thing I think of in association with happiness is money - that eternal symbol of materialism - while her mind was in the exact opposite direction!

Questioning her further, I found out that she's going to join some club somewhere in Canada called 'Snowboarders for Christ'.

For those interested, here is some 'About Us' info from their website:

We desire to work closely with our local churches in our effort to communicate with the mountain culture our faith in Jesus.
We run weekly Bible studies, ride clubs for kids, contests, snowboard camps, hospitality tents and other special events. We are also looking to take teams of riders to foreign countries to do practical work with local churches and share our faith with those snowriding cultures. If you want to be involved you need to either join an existing group or see if God wants you to start SfC in your area.


I actually felt really inspired by her overjoy at choosing to join this community. I didn't even know anything about it until I looked it up for this blog. Although I'm not a Christian myself (duh for those who know me, I know!!) I think that seeing the emotional uplifting of someone due to a change in their life really hits me in a good way. I guess I really like seeing people taking charge of their lives and making important decisions with positive consequences. Regardless of the fact that the community this girl is joining is faith based, it still is something she's doing for other people, and I can't help but see that in a positive light.

What's the lesson in this experience for me I wonder? I'm not about to make a huge change in my trajectory; I know where I want to be after York University (in graduate school for Clinical Psych!!). I think the lesson that I'd like to take out of this is to take more joy out of the non-material things about human interaction: Complimenting people, taking opportunities to help when someone is in need, trying to value my family more, etc!

Psycho-spiritually,

- Inkhorn

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Jew Watch!

Several days ago I came across a very suspicious website called Jew Watch. It seems to be one of those National Vanguard (read: White Power) movements bent on exposing Jewish plots to control the world, United States, or something like that. Here's a quote from Wikipedia's Jew Watch Article

Jew Watch purports to expose Jewish crimes against humanity. Its stated position is that Jews are responsible for every major war in the last 150 years, that Judaism hates all races of humanity (especially whites), and dominates the world by proxy through the United States. At the same time, it alleges in the documents stored that global Jewry seeks to destroy the United States itself since its power may soon be turned against Jewry.

I found a really funny blog posting that describes one person's response to this website:

So I was recently on a visit to an entertaining website called Jew Watch. Whoever's in charge of the site has set himself the Herculean task of watching all the Jews in the world. He's watching me give him the finger right now. It's a gargantuan undertaking, keeping an eye on every Jew, keeping track of all their little Jew activities. It's such a huge job that one person can't possibly do it all by himself. And he doesn't. I mean, he does it, but he does the kind of crappy job of it you'd expect.

Last week alone, for example, he misquoted me in three phone conversation transcripts. Wednesday, he undercounted my bowel movements, and Thursday he has me down as having watched Jeopardy. I usually do, but I didn't last Thursday, and he just ASSUMED I did. He didn't bother to WATCH me to make sure. Maybe I'm not JEW enough for him.

Read More


I suppose there are always going to be anti-semites doing their anti-Semitic things so long as the Semites, I mean Jews, are in positions of power.

I was thinking about that this past shabbat: Isn't it ridiculous how many Jews there are in the upper economic echelons of North American society? It does seem to make the Jewish people an easy target for others who don't have a quick and easy explanation for why they weren't so lucky in the game of life.

Anyway, I'll end off with a joke for you to think about:

Q: How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, one to call the cleaning lady and two to feel guilty about it.

World-Dominatingly,

- Inkhorn

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Getting 'Set Up' or 'נשדך'

So I ran into an acquaintance today at a small synagogue in the Forest Hill area. After chatting a bit he informed me that there was a girl that wanted to get in contact with me; someone who I had met a while back. I gave him my Rogers email address, which is quite easy to remember, after which he told me that he would send emails to both her and I as an introduction of some sort.

Pretty exciting stuff, but I really have to wonder at this happening to me right now. This is the second time in a month that someone has given lip service to setting me up with someone else. While I hope that something good comes out of it, I think these set ups have come at a point where they maybe shouldn't come. In all probability I am going to be moving away from Toronto for school next year. Possibly in Montreal or British Columbia, or possibly in one of the 5 American locations that I've chosen for grad school.

Anyway, I'll go along with this strange game of 'consider-other-possibilities' that life may or may not be handing me! I wonder what will happen?

Datingly,

- Inkhorn

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Evaluation Anxieties

Lately I have been thinking more often about my anxieties surrounding up and coming evaluations. What did I do in previous years that resulted in me getting good marks? Was it my dietary habits, my sleep-wakefulness patterns, neo-cortex functioning well enough in the given environments, evaluators just simply liking me?

One thing I definitely remember from last year was my independent study course. Looking back on it, I see it as an excellent bit of experience that has helped me to further understand doing scientific research, and opened me up to cognitive accounts of psychological phenomena. My problem with it was that my mark was not based very much on the writing that I did. This was the very opposite of being a bad thing, and very well might help me get considered for grad school. I just wonder: should my supervisor have marked me more based on my writing? If he had maybe I wouldn't have gotten such a good mark, and then I wouldn't have to face further anxieties about the quality of arguments that I make and the style I use to write.

Thinking that my thoughts were indicative of some serious self-doubt, I looked up information on the imposter phenomenon, and found the following quiz on Imposter Syndrome



Do you secretly worry that others will find out that you're not as bright and capable as they think you are?

Do you sometimes shy away from challenges because of nagging self-doubt?

Do you tend to chalk your accomplishments up to being a "fluke," “no big deal” or the fact that people just "like" you?

Do you hate making a mistake, being less than fully prepared or not doing things perfectly?

Do you tend to feel crushed by even constructive criticism, seeing it as evidence of your "ineptness?"

When you do succeed, do you think, "Phew, I fooled 'em this time but I may not be so lucky next time."

Do you believe that other people (students, colleagues, competitors) are smarter and more capable than you are?

Do you live in fear of being found out, discovered, unmasked?



I won't take the time to enumerate my responses to each answer, but maybe you, the reader, can make your own judgments based on this list. I don't think I've ever told myself that I'm stupid: I don't believe that. What I do believe is that my weaknesses might hold me back from achieving my goals. Being in a school environment, I have become quite accustomed to getting evaluated by other people. This, I think, has taken some, maybe a lot, of the locus of my self-evaluation away from my hands. I don't think that one B on a class assignment is the end of the world, but I am always wondering if in the future I will not be able to adapt to the challenges presented to me. One thing I do quite often is target people, be they researchers whose journal articles I am reading or colleagues at school, who seem to really know what they're doing and think about how much faster they tend to see things than me.

I feel an insidious fear deep inside of me as I come to terms with this stuff. I feel this particularly at this point in my life, when I am about to make a transition that shall be capped with my final evaluations. It is scary. I think I fear this more than my own physical well being.

Ironically, I think that the best way to beat this kind of self doubt is not to get paralyzed by it, but to go headlong into my work, chanting positive mantras along the way!

In the words of Stuart Smalley: "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me"

Reflectively,

- Inkhorn

Monday, January 16, 2006

The Tower of Individualism

And it was that all in the land were of one mind,
their relations were peaceful.
And it was that when they journeyed from the east,
They found a valley in the land of shiney,
and they settled there.
They said to each other,
"Come let us mold bricks and bake them thoroughly."
They then had bricks to use for building,
and clay to use for mortar.
Then they said, "Come, we will build ourselves a metropolis,
and a really big tower that will be so high that all the other nations will say, "WHOA MAN THATS CRAZY! LOOK AT THEM AND THEIR BIG TOWER! HOLY GUACAMOLE WHY CAN'T WE HAVE A TOWER LIKE THAT?!?!?!"
G-d went down to see the metropolis and the really big tower that the sons of man built.
G-d said "Behold, they are one nation, all having one mind,
and this is their first undertaking.
They sure are arrogant.
If I let them continue this vain self-glorification who knows what kind of lunacy they might come up with?
Come, let us descend and jumble up their sense of unity. We'll make them into individuals. Then we'll see how far they can get.

G-d scattered them from there,
Over the face of all the land,
and they stopped building the city.
Instead, they established an economic philosophy named 'Capitalism',
justifying everyone's individuality.
The people were happy.
Now they could buy backstreet boys CDs if that's what they wanted,
Or get the newest Ipod if that seemed alright,
But maybe buying a car was more important than that,
Maybe it was making money that was really important.

The people could not decide what they wanted to do.
They slowly became quarrelsome and bitter at their new lifestyle.
Too much to buy and not enough money!
Now that they were individuals they felt like there was less definition to their identity.
So much out there, but so little on the inside.

That's when they discovered Kabbalah, Hinduism, Buddhism, Gnosis, Paganism, and Wiccanism.

The people were happy again, or were they?



Biblically,

- Inkhorn

Monday, January 09, 2006

Thank You OSAP!!!!!

The second installment of my OSAP loan came today. After I made sure that it had paid off the last of my tuition bill I used it to pay off my 11.5% per annum interest rate credit card and a small chunk of my line of credit.

Today is a good day :D

Interestingly,

- Inkhorn

Sunday, January 08, 2006

In-group Solidarity and Out-group Ignorance?

This past Shabbat I spent some of my time with a Rabbi who, I am told, considers himself to be a fundamentalist. While walking with him from Shul to his home for lunch (hey, he might be a fundamentalist but he and his family are very welcoming and friendly to guests!) he began to talk to me about the services in his local community for fellow religious Jews. One about which he spoke at length involves a man who will find you or your loved one the best possible medical attention from Toronto's available medical resources (hospitals, doctors, clinics, etc). Surely he has a reason to be happy about this. His wife desperately required medical attention in the past and, to the credit of this service about which he spoke, she got it.

What I'd like to figure out is the ethics behind this. Is it better for a community bound by certain interests (e.g. Faith group, Ethnic Group, etc) to serve itself, in the assumption that they are not going to be served as well by the outside world, or should they be focused on helping people outside their group as well?

I have a feeling that helping people, regardless of group affiliation, because one wants to, makes one an even better human being than one who helps one's own. Sure, if one of my family members was ill I would help if I could but there are always additional people that need help. There may even be ways that one can help other people through what you learn by helping 'your own'.

Baycrest, a geriatric care centre, is a good example of this. Although it is in a primarily Jewish area of Toronto, they do lots of good research on aging and the brain that can help people anywhere in the world.

So what is the answer? I'm more inclined to agree with the Baycrest model, but might something different be better?

Bio-ethically,

- Inkhorn

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Time Sacrifice

I am now sitting in front of a courtesy computer at Toronto Western Hospital after having conferenced with a doctor here who is in charge of the investigation of a residual cardiovascular condition that has developed in me after my major problem was dealt with.

To make a long story short (as I might be going back to school soon) I am going to have to give up several half days in the next few weeks to be treated for this condition. The stakes: my spinal column. The culprit(s): Veins that are draining into a major vessel that is not my inferior vena cava.

This is a sacrifice of my time now, so that I have more time to sacrifice later.

Cardiovascularly,

- Inkhorn

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Philosopher's Walk

My sister has a website.

I don't think about my sister much these days. I've had a life to attend to, and when someone can't/won't be a part of your life it is a crime to hurt yourself persistently over their asbence.

Losing a sister was incredibly tough at first. I think I went through at least three psychological stages before I finally gave up trying to keep her in my life. First I was in denial - we're talking about an 11-12 year old version of me remember. From denial I progressed into hope. I had hope that I could fix things, if not between her and my family, then between her and I. Hope led me to search out her phone contact information and call her, to talk to her. This went on for as long as I could take it, until the harsh reality of what had happened sunk through the cracks of my 11-12 year old heart. She's gone. Alive but dead. A sister but a stranger. A person but not anymore. I think after I'd realized all this I was faced with the excrutiating task of grieving. At first I cried on the mere thought of my sister. This persisted for a while. I can't remember when it stopped, in retrospect. All I know is that eventually my sister became a story that would maybe be retold once in a while, if at all.

Amazingly I don't think it was until last year that I really had a chance to dreg up my feelings about the matter, in a fresher light. I retold the story of my sister to a friend of mine, and she suggested a role play where she would play the part of my sister to give me the opportunity to say whatever I wanted to her. At first it was very tough. Every time I wanted to say something negative an antithetical impulse would arise in my mind and I would stop myself. I was trying to be understanding to the point of effacing my feelings. I tried a different strategy that night so as to facilitate my being able to express what I needed to express. I thought of the opposite of every nice thing that I could say about her and said it to my friend qua sister. That did it. I hurled vulgarity after finger pointing after verbal attack. I sluiced my feelings like a hose hurling copious amounts of water at its target.

It felt good.

I think it was at some point after that episode that my mother finally revealed to me the fact of my Sister having a website (after which this blog post is named). It was weird going through the site for the first time. Haunting. My sister was alive and accomplishing things! I felt sad that I missed out on so much in her life. Sad that I couldn't be there with her at times. Coupled with the sadness, however, was a feeling of pride. 'Look what she's done with herself!' was a general theme coming out of this feeling.

I reviewed the website again today, on the whim of my memory of this first visit to her website. My friend pointed something interesting out to me. One of my Sister's computer generated images, entitled 'Reflection', has her sitting amidst a bunch of hebrew words. They are for the most part time related: עתיד, עבר, הוה, מחר, היום, כדור-הארץ. Translated: Future, Past, Present, Tomorrow, Today, and Earth/Globe. In another frame of the picture, as it is animated, is what looks like her Hebrew name, דבורה/Devorah. The only thing is that the middle letter, a 'vav' that is supposed to constitute the 'oh' sound in her Hebrew name, is in fact a 'zayin', which makes a 'zeh' sound. Thinking this to be significant, I went to http://milon.morfix.co.il , an online hebrew-english dictionary, and looked up דב and זרה to see what it would tell me. Bear, Scattered. Bear Scattered? Scattered Bear? I can only conjecture what this means, and I'm not sure it would be accurate.

Something which I shall surely be pondering over the next few days.

Who is she now anyway? A person who I once knew.

Reflectively,

- Inkhorn

Personal Blog Top Sites